The First Christmas Party

This is how I imagine the very first Christmas party went down. It’s beyond blasphemous…yet probably closer to the truth than any passion play or Christmas pageant you’ll go to this year.

Scene: A dark, cold night in Ancient Britian. Snow is flying everywhere. There is a meeting of the newly formed Christian Church…all 4 members

Church folks: “Ummm…soooo….there’s only four of us. That’s, uh, that’s…uhhh….that’s pretty freaking pititful. We need more people to think like us otherwise we’re just four weirdos standing around staring at each other”

Pagans: “Woohoo!!!! party!!! solstice is here!!!! Light a bunch of shit on fire cause it’s really dark for a really long time tonight! pass the wine! woohoo!!!!”

Church Folks: “Hey, just a shot in the dark here, but what if we asked those guys to join our group?” “The pagans!?! But they don’t believe what we believe!” “Yeah, I get that…..but maybe if we wait until they’re drunk enough we’ll get them to believe that we’ve got this shit figured out” “Y’know….it’s just crazy enough to work”

Church folk approach the pagans. The wine has just been poured. The pagans are looking forward to their celebration, but aren’t drunk yet. Still, they are welcoming of the crazy Church people….anyone is welcome who wishes to celebrate

Pagans: “Hey guys! How’s it hanging? I mean, besides from a cross….” “oooooh! that ain’t right, Jim! Fucking funny as hell, but just not right!”

Church folk: “Heh, heh, heh. Funny. You guys sure are funny. Pass the wine!”

Hours pass. The pagans are officially drunk. The tight ass Church folk, however, abstained from drinking. They put their plan in action.

Church folk: “Hey, uh pagans? Quick question. You like to party, right?”

Pagans:  (in a drunken slur) “Fuckin’ A man!

Church folk: “Super. That’s great. Listen, hows about this idea. You guys keep partying every year at this time. Still solstice, still all excited about the trees that always stay green and welcoming the new year, lots of light because it sure is dark for a long ass time tonight. But. But. Maybe next year, you mention about how it’s also because of Jesus. That cool?”

Pagans: (oh how they slur…..) “Jesus? What the fuck’s a Jesus? Hey Dave? You found Jesus laying around here or some shit? Dave? Dave? DAVE! Yeah, you, fuck-face. You found Jesus?” “What? oh shit man, sure, why the fuck not. yeah I found Jesus!” “Hey you pagan assholes! listen up. we find Jesus, ‘kay?”

(a drunken roar of appreciation goes up from the crowd. Some key words can be heard: “yeah! fuck-face! woohoo! jesus! assholes! jesus, get off me already! i came 20 minutes ago! woohoo!”)

Church folk: “Ok. Well, we’ll just let you sleep this one off tomorrow. We’ll be back next year. Remeber, keep partying, light shit on fire, whatever….but next time it’s for Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.  JE-SUS. Fuck! Jesus Christ these fuckers are drunk! Lets get outta here before they figure out what they’ve agreed to……”

And thus, we have the beginings of Christmas.

Merry Christmas everyone! 🙂

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